Authors: Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins
The Let Them Theory is a concept introduced by Mel Robbins, and the Let Them Theory is a book published by Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins. The book tries to present a tool to regain control over one’s life and reduce stress. The principle is very easy and simple: ‘let them’, so if people are having opinions about you, instead of being bothered about something you cannot change, you just say, ‘let them’ and regain power. It is ultimately our decision how we respond to people’s opinions and behaviors, which we cannot influence or change. But what we can change is ourselves or implement the ‘Let Me’ principle, meaning we decide how we respond and whether we care or not. Robbins correctly emphasizes that a lot of stress and anxiety come from trying to manage things that are out of our control, most notably other people’s opinions, decisions, moods, or reactions.
Therefore, the authors present a two-step framework, Let Them (let people behave as they like, e.g., cancel plans, misunderstand us, not support us in our decisions, etc.) and Let Me (set a boundary, move on, invest energy in people who value us, stop trying to fix things we cannot control and are not our responsibility such as other people’s moods and opinions, etc.). So, ‘let them be who they are’ and ‘let me decide what to do next’.
The idea is not new. The authors draw from psychological and behavioral research and principles such as locus of control, emotional detachment, and boundary setting, all of which focus on teaching people to focus on what they can control (e.g., their actions), reducing reactivity to others’ behaviors, and recognizing that other people’s choices and behaviors speak about themselves. The book thus promotes short mental cues (‘let them’) that might be easier for people to remember rather than complex theories; it encourages detachment from social validation, which is relevant in a world obsessed with validation on social media and elsewhere, and it also promotes personal agency while not calling for confrontation. The book’s first author writes in first person, and the second author is her daughter, who helped her develop the book, but the book is written in Mel Robbins’ voice, and she uses a lot of personal examples, which are easy to read and identify with, and this makes the book compelling.
However, some psychologists noted that this is not a new theory in academic psychology, so the book becomes more of a motivational framing of existing concepts like acceptance, boundaries, and cognitive reframing rather than introducing a new theory, i.e., existing theories are renamed into ‘Let Them Theory’. Also, some psychologists said that the human mind has unhealthy tendencies, and therapies are full of people who are still trying to convince people to change in some way or to accept them for who they are. In addition to that, letting things go can have a risk of permitting harmful behaviors, and the theory oversimplifies personal relationships where things are more complex. I also thought the book was too simplistic in many ways, particularly since there are too many areas the author covers (family, love relationships, work, society), but then again, this might be an academic mindset of always wanting in-depth analysis. I definitely like the term ‘let them’ because it is indeed easy to remember, and I actually used it almost instantly, i.e., I noticed one person recently making a fool of themselves on LinkedIn, which was grinding on me. Then I read this book and said, ‘Let them, what do I care?’ and I let it go. However, I definitely think that the author should have spoken with more regular people, other than academics (and speaking to academics and the way the author presents them was indeed appreciated) because it would have provided more examples and more storytelling (but again, this might be an academic speaking because I always want more ‘data’).
For those who want to know more about Mel Robbins and her motivational work, she also runs a successful podcast. Here is one of the episodes on the Let Them Theory:
Thank you for reading!